Where is the Spotlight? July 2006
“Me, me, me, it’s all about me. What about you? What do you think about me?” This Bette Midler line from the movie “Beaches,” epitomizes the self-aggrandizing nature of many in our society. They seek the spotlight and are reluctant to share it. Their conversational style is a near-zero tolerance stance for dialogue. They wait for people to stop talking or blatantly interrupt to foist their opinions or thoughts on others. This trend is so prevalent that it is the focus of Charles Derber’s book, The Pursuit of Attention. Seem familiar?
Listening is a dying art; being present seems impossible; balanced conversation is a goal few strive to attain. Are great people as guilty of this desperate ego-stroking as the rest of us? G.K. Chesterton once said, “The truly great person is the one who makes every person feel great.” With all due respect to Mr. Chesterton, contemporary society elevates and holds up as models of greatness those who have offered incredible advances. But these same individuals may not be able to talk about anything but themselves and their work. However, all is not lost. Notwithstanding our society’s demand for instant communication with everyone elsewhere, some individuals set themselves apart by their amazing ability to focus on the person right in front of them.
What does this focus do for the other person? At a conference in California a participant told us a story that illustrates the point perfectly. “In Queen Victoria’s time, a young woman had the good fortune of being escorted to dinner by William E. Gladstone, who was considered one of the most brilliant statesmen of the 19th century. On the following evening, the same young lady was escorted by Benjamin Disraeli, novelist, statesman, and twice prime minister of Great Britain. When asked for her impression of these two great rivals, she replied, ‘After an evening with Gladstone, I thought he was the most brilliant man I’d ever met. After an evening with Disraeli, I thought myself to be the most fascinating woman in the world!’”
Allowing the other person to be the focus of attention requires ego strength; it also requires an ability to listen to, focus on, and value the other person. Seems like too much work? Not once you begin practicing.
Ego strength allows the spotlight to shine on the other without needing to steal it back. This quality permits the other to enjoy their moment without competing for attention. Communication involves asking questions rather than making statements. It is about knowing what to ask and when. In this context, listening is not simply being quiet; it involves the active pursuit of knowledge about the other. Focus is manifested through direct eye contact and not the flitting, furtive glancing around for someone more important. Focus can be the key to making someone feel they are truly valued.
Our studies reveal that individuals who seek greatness realize they have the power to make choices that determine who they are and what they can accomplish. Allowing others to be the center of attention, feel listened to and valued is one such choice. We can decide how others will experience time with us. Will they walk away believing that we are great, or will they walk away believing that, at least in our eyes, they are? The choice is ours.
The Greatness ProjectTM is researched and written by:
Scott Asalone & Jan Sparrow
Copyright © ASGMC, Inc. 2006